From a Russian speaker to a Russian muter

This is a very personal article. It’s about my own life experience. But many Ukrainians can relate to this story to some extent.

At first I was a Russian speaker. I was born in a Russian speaking family in a Ukrainian speaking city. Contrary to what you might think, this did not mean that I was ostracized or that I lived in some isolated ghetto. Vast majority of people around me were technically bilingual. Having conversation in two languages at the same time was normal. Actually I don’t remember which language I was speaking in the yard as a kid. It surely was mostly Russian. But maybe Ukrainian sometimes, I don’t remember. And noone really cared that I was a Russian speaker.

I went to a Ukrainian school because it was just across the road. There was a Russian one not far from us, but it was still few minutes away. We chose convenience over politics. I’m not sure whether I became bilingual at school or I was so before. Language was never an issue for me - actually I enjoyed learning new languages as long as I had time for that. Out of politeness the approach in my family was “speak whatever language at home, but Ukrainian when in shops”. And “whatever language” at home we spoke.

At about 10 I switched to Ukrainian with my mother - and I don’t remember what were the exact reasons for that. Maybe, just maybe, this was because we travelled abroad with her and Russian tourists were not behaving well, so we did not want to be associated with them. So this made already two languages spoken at home. Later on a third one was added, but since it was not Russian or Ukrainian, it is irrelevant to the story.

I felt as half-Russian half-Ukrainian most of my life. I read lots of Russian books. I watched Russian translation of movies. Actually Russian language prevailed in Ukrainian cultural space. Not only lots of Ukrainians spoke Russian natively, we also lived in a common cultural space with Russians. Which meant that we consumed their culture and in order Ukranian artist products be consumed by Russians (and Russian-speaking market is objectively larger than a Ukrainian one) they switched to Russian as well. Russian was dominant. Most of the books were Russian, most of magazines were in Russian, there were lots of Russian language on the radio and TV.

And by the way - I did not see this as a big problem, because I associated myself with both languages. I was truly bilingual by that time. I wrote songs/poems and short stories in both languages, songs mostly in Ukrainian, stories mostly in Russian (in case you are interested - songs are on YouTube, and short stories are not worth reading). I had both Russian-speaking and Ukrainian-speaking friends. And I spoke Russian with ones and Ukrainian with others. And when we gathered together our conversation was a language mix. However the rule “whatever at home, Ukrainian in shops” still hold true for me.

I dated and married a Ukrainian speaking woman. But when our first child was born I decided to speak Russian with him. So that he won’t miss out the opportunities Russian language could offer. I wanted him to become bilingual, as I was.

But just after that the first Russian invasion took place. In 2014 Russia occupied Crimea and part of Donbas. And my approach to Russian language changed. Maybe this was an emotional decision. Or maybe I did not want to be associated with the aggressor. Anyway - I switched to fully Ukrainian in my family and never regretted that decision. I still spoke Russian with few childhood friends, and, most notably, with my father. I still read Russian books (even Dostoyevskiy - mind you - though I did not like the novel much). I still had Russian language on some of my keyboards. And even though I still was bilingual, but this time I had a strong preference toward Ukrainian language.

And in 2022 the big invasion took place. It was done in the name of “defending the Russian speaking population”. Hey, Putin! There is no need to defend me, I’m serious! Leave us alone! But was I even a Russian speaker by that time? Actually - I stopped being one almost immediately. With every Russian rocket flying to Ukraine and killing people I felt more and more how horrible the Russian culture was. Because you know - culture is not only about cool writers and singers. First and foremost it’s about how people behave. And Russian behaved horribly. I didn’t want to be a bearer of Russian culture. I didn’t want to spread it. I wasn’t half-Russian/half-Ukrainian anymore. I was Ukrainian 100%. And I stopped being Russian-speaker.

After 2022 I realized that Russian language is not about

Мороз и солнце, день чудесный

a Pushkin’s poem which I used to know by heart and recited when in good mood.

Now it’s about

Мною было принято решение о проведении специальной военной операции

a Putin’s war announcement, or about

Надо топить украинских детей

the crazy talks of Russian propagandists including calls to drawn Ukrainian children in the river.

Not only I stopped being a Russian-speaker. I became a Russian muter. I threw away all the Russian literature books I had (not burning them, but recycling, you know - I’m not a barbarian). There is no Russian keyboard on my PC (having 2 languages there is much easier than 3) I stopped speaking Russian with all my Russian speaking friends, and, guess what - they also switched to Ukrainian (even when speaking with their kids).

There was a popular radio morning broadcast - it was bilingual by design up until 2022. There were two narrators - one was a Russian speaker, another one was Ukrainian. Now it’s monolingual. People feel disgusted by Russian language and Russian culture.

I know Russian language. But if you asked me whether I speak Russian - I’d say “no”. And it’s not about my ability but about my willingness to speak Russian. Now when I speak with some native Russians who live abroad (those who emigrated from Russia some time ago) I paradoxically use English - that’s how the “defending of a Russian language” went in Ukraine.

And, as I said, lots of Russian speakers in Ukraine can relate with my story. Recycling centers were filled with Russian books - because it was not only me. Singers translate their Russian songs to Ukrainian. Radios don’t air Russian songs. Russian books disappear from libraries because rarely who wants to read them. Magazines are now printed in Ukrainian. Russian language became toxic here. Percentage of Russian-to-Ukrainian switchers is probably larger in these 2 years than during more than 30 years of independence.
Country with the second largest population of Russian speakers is slowly becoming Russian-mute.